Objection, Warning, Acceptance

There's a poem out there. A poem called Objection, Warning, Acceptance. A fine little work, in a fine little journal that comes out right before the trees begin to bud. That publication? Orson's Review. Its issues have a crisp, crumb coating. Wait...that's terrible. How does an online journal have a crumb coating? I mean, the crisp is fine. I wouldn't direct any living actor in Shakespeare this way. This is not the finest French champagne...I'll be in my trailer.

The Beer Blogpost: A Review of the South Brooklyn Beer Book

A used Beer Book in the wild

Call me Christopher Columbus, for I have just gotten back from an expedition, exploring and discovering lands already established and populated. No wait, that’s not good. Nobody should be called Christopher Columbus. Unless they like genocide, slavery, and writing confused tracts about religion, How about Chris Columbus? For I was home alone, lost in New York, except not the Island of Manhattan, but the Brooklyn portion of the Long Island that nestles up to it like a serpent coming out of the sea. Yes, that’ll do for comparisons.

However, like Columbus I had my Marco Polo’s guide that I was trying to follow. Instead of spices, I was seeking suds spread out among the rumored bars, pubs, and taverns of Southern Brooklyn. The name of this guide? The Brooklyn Beer Book, specifically the one for Zone 2. That is, for bars in Brooklyn below Atlantic Avenue. However, it is no ordinary guide that gives you a list of places to go and their addresses where they might be found. No. That would be what this blogpost is for.

For $30, you get 30 coupons, each one entitles you to a drink at the bars listed. That’s right. 30 beers for $30, and all you have to do is a little bit of walking to get them, well, that plus using the subway, the bus, or the car service of your choice. The coupons aren’t all the same. Some can be redeemed for any beer at the bar listed. Some can only be redeemed for a beer up to a certain dollar value. Tip is obviously not included. There’s no fancy magic involved. You just rip off one of the coupons in the booklet and hand it to the bartender.

The bars are spread out across lower Kings County, which does discourage bar crawls among the timid. However, I am not one of them. While there are establishments in the beer book located in many of the far-flung areas, most of my adventures occurred in a few clusters of bars, that formed constellations of discounted inebriation. One was centered around the Gowanus Canal, another was grouped around 5th Avenue in park Slope, and yet another was located near Franklin Avenue. But there were exceptions, with bars on Coney Island, Sunset Park, or in Bay Ridge.

With that said, here are the bars I encountered as the result of 2018’s Beer Book. I visited them between August and December of 2018. Who knows what the 2019 version will contain?

Abilene (442 Court St, Brooklyn, NY 11231) – A retro looking spot with outdoor seating and plenty of decent beers on tap. It’s lively and feels like a part of the community. Friendly staff and interesting light fixtures. They have Genesee Cream Ale, which is nice. I went there while doing a pub crawl before a Chapo Trap House show at the Bell House.

The Adirondack (1241 Prospect Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11218) – Nestled in Windsor Terrace, this bar has an interesting New York state theme, which is fitting with its name. A rustic look with rustic paintings. I went there late in the summer. It was nearly empty when I went in, but then it filled up with the teachers of a nearby school, looking to blow off steam from training and have one last hurrah before the start of the school year.

Making cider

Bad Seed (2936, 585 Franklin Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11238) – This is where all the bad apples go. This bar is centered around cider! Specifically, the ciders of the Hudson River Valley. A crisp and refreshing spot in Brooklyn.

Bar Cord (1008 Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn, NY 11218) – This is one of my main watering spots. The other is Sycamore, where you can buy flowers for your loved one, or if you’re alone, for your beer. But back to Bar Cord! Ditmas Park’s best bar, when it comes to live music! They have a nice jukebox, Afro-Cuban bands, and free pretzels. It gets crowded on Saturday nights, especially if the band’s good, so come early.

Berg’n (899 Bergen St, Brooklyn, NY 11238) – A large bar that’s almost like a warehouse. I don’t know if it was at one point. Big with families and the brunch crowd because it has lots of tables and seating. It also has several counters serving food, much like a small food court.

Building on Bond (112 Bond St, Brooklyn, NY 11217) – I went here as part of a pub crawl after the Kavanaugh hearings. The place is whimsical and it has one of the nicer bathrooms I’ve been in, which is no small feat among the Bars of this or any other borough.

Canal Bar (270 3rd Ave # A, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – I went here as part of my Chapo Trap House pub crawl. A survivor, just like me after that night. It’s a holdover from the way the neighborhood used to be, which was industrial, polluted, and put the “anus” and “anal” in Gowanus Canal. The bartenders and the customers are close and there’s popcorn for the taking. There’s a TV too, and I watched an episode of Fresh Off the Boat without any sound.

Cebu (8801 3rd Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11209) – An okay place, I guess. Not really a bar as much as a restaurant that happens to have a bar attached.

The Commissioner (247 5th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – A narrow place that’s geared for sports viewing. I guess it’s an okay standard bar. I don’t remember much. This was at the end of my Kavanaugh pub crawl.

Coney Island Brewery (1904 Surf Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11224) – An interesting place. It’s a bar attached to an actual brewery. The brewery is near the beach and the amusement parks. I went there on a December night though, so it was kinda weird, the only light on at the end of Surf Avenue. If I went during the day, I’m sure I could’ve taken a tour.

Covenhoven (730 Classon Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11238) – A cool little bar that specializes in European beers. On a good day, it’s a delightful place to sit, either in the backyard, or near the street, looking at the leaves changing color, or the flowers coming in, depending on the season (or saison).

Not to be confused with Faulkner, though I'm sure he would've dug it

Fawkner (191 Smith St, Brooklyn, NY 11201) – A favorite of mine. I’ve been there before the coupon book led me there. Again, it was part of the Kavanaugh Crawl, BUT I remembered it vividly. It has a stuffed Ram overlooking the bar! There’s wooden alcoves to sit in and plot! In the back, it’s like being in an old time British club, with oil paintings and chairs with green leather upholstery! What more can you want from a bar?

Franklin 820 (820 Franklin Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11225) – An aptly named bar, maybe the most aptly named. I can vouch for the food here. I had the macaroni and cheese, which was good. The staff were friendly and the music was good. They played a bunch of songs from the late 90s that made me feel like I was at a middle school dance. But this time I got to drink.

Freddy’s Bar and Backroom (627 5th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – A hidden gem, at least from the street. Esquire Magazine called it “one of the best bars in America.” It’s an eclectic, crazy place, that’s vibrant even when you’re by yourself on a Saturday afternoon. Freddy’s Bar has the kind of décor that TGI Friday’s wishes it could have. Lots of old time art, statues, strange devices, and my favorite, a friggin’ fish tank. You never drink alone when you drink with a fish tank.

Greenwood Park (555 7th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – This bar used to be a gas station and has a mechanical feel to it. Out front they were selling Christmas trees when I was there. It’s a community institution of sorts, and you pass a giant cemetery while going there.

Halyards (406 3rd Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – I went here to start the Chapo Trap House pub crawl (not affiliated with the Chapo Trap House Podcast). It has rooms with a kind of nautical theme in the back, where you can play pool, if you are so inclined. I encountered a lot of pool tables on my way through the bars of Lower Brooklyn. I didn’t play with any of them, either according to the standard rules of the game, or using the balls and cues in fun, new, and obscene ways.

High Dive (243 5th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – Yeah, I went here for the Kavanaugh Crawl. I remembered neon lights, bright lights, people in the back laughing, laughing and a bathroom with a chalkboard (and chalk) where I kept writing “we are using our skins for wallpaper and we cannot win.”

Irish Haven (5721 4th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11220) – A classic old school mid-century bar. Of course, it has an Irish theme. Nothing too excessive. When you go into the men’s room, there’s no leprechaun staring at you. There was a drunk, bloated guy at the bar who looked like Steve Bannon, but with a beard. The bartender called him a car to take him home. So you know they take care of you there. The decor is simple, but sturdy, the beer is cheap, and there’s a pool table in the back to pass out on.

Kimoto Rooftop (216 Duffield St, Brooklyn, NY 11201) – This bar is the highest one on the list. It’s on top of a hotel in Downtown Brooklyn. It’s got a fun view, but was a little too hip for me.

The Kings Beer Hall (84 St Marks Pl, Brooklyn, NY 11217) – This German themed bar is on St. Marks Place in Brooklyn, not Manhattan. They have plenty of German brews in giant mugs and German dishes. It’s much bigger inside than it looks from the street. Which again, is in Brooklyn and not Manhattan. There’s lots of games for people to play, including darts. From time to time the place hosts the Simpsons Trivia Night, which I’ve been to there before.

Krupa Grocery (231 Prospect Park West, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – This bar and eatery were built on an old grocery, hence the name. The place is nice, good for brunch, I imagine. I didn’t eat there.

Lavender Lake (383 Carroll St, Brooklyn, NY 11231) – This bar is close to the Gowanus Canal, and it represents the way the area has transformed itself. It reminded me of a scene from an Impressionist painting. It’s got an extensive and sophisticated beer and drinks menu, which me being me, found intimidating. I can’t remember what I got. I think I just sucked on a napkin that soaked up various beers on the bar counter. A moist smorgasbord.

Lowlands Bar (543 3rd Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – A good, solid bar. Enough said.

Midwood Flats (577 Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11226) – A rustic chic bar, as some might say. It’s packed on Saturday nights. It’s a gastropub, although I didn’t find the menu all the appetizing. But I didn’t actually eat the food, so I can’t say who it was. Maybe nachos made with potato chips are in fact good, and not just something I would create at home for myself out of kitchen odds and ends after a night of heavy drinking.

The Monro Pub (481 5th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – We’ve had Irish Bars and German Bars, here is a British Bar! Or pub, I guess. Unlike the others though, it actually acts as a cultural embassy of sorts. It serves British food and shows British sports. I don’t really follow this and that FC, but it’s nice that those who do have a place to go to.

The Montrose (47 5th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11217) – So many bars on 5th Avenue! I could go back and just do 5th Avenue all over again, and add bars I haven’t been to yet. This bar is convenient for people going to the Barclay’s Center for a game or a show. I forget what was going on the night I was there, but everyone else was definitely waiting for it to happen. Maybe…I was the show.

I think this was the way to the bathroom at Robert Bar

Robert Bar (104 Bond St, Brooklyn, NY 11217) – This bar is from another time, a past that never existed and a future that has yet to come. There was something Ridley Scott-esque about it, or perhaps Kubrickian. While I was there, I was surrounded by couples, and I had the eerie feeling they were looking for a third.

Skylark Bar 477 5th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – A retro bar with an aesthetic that I’d describe as “late Ford Administration.” There’s furniture and paintings from estate sales and thrift stores, and a fine selection of beers (thankfully that’s not stuck in the past, with nothing but Pabst). It’s like drinking at your grandmother’s before or after Thanksgiving dinner, but without having to deal with the rest of your family.

Strong Rope Brewery (574 President St, Brooklyn, NY 11215) – A family-run taproom. It’s less a bar, and more of a tasting room.

Ugly Duckling, or UglyDuckling? (166 Smith St, Brooklyn, NY 11201) – Now last, and maybe the least. I didn’t get much out of this place, but it might’ve been the time I was there. It was a weird time in the afternoon and they were moving things around to get ready for the dinner rush. Then again, the true Brooklyn Bar worthy of respect, is always open and ready for its drinkers

Well, that’s it. Those are the bars of lower Brooklyn from the Beer Book. Overall, I think it was a nice thing to do, I don’t think I’d do it again next year. It was hard getting around to all of them because of the way the trains are arranged here. You can’t go crosstown without difficulty. Or I might try the Beer Book for upper Brooklyn, above Atlantic Avenue. I wonder if half the bars are just in Williamsburg.

Hot Park Ranger, the Summer's Last Hit

My sister made a music video for her song Hot Park Ranger. Give it a view and a listen. Then go visit one of America' natural parks, such as the Thomas Stone National Historic Site.

Raw Dog Press

Has published a poem of mine. They've already published it on some postcards and sent a few to me. So be on the look out for them on the subways or under your drink as a coaster.

If You're Not Interested in Poetry, How About Philosophy?

My girlfriend Sara has just started a blog on philosophy: Notes on Real Clouds. Her specialty is Wittgenstein but she also digs Foucault. It also looks nicer than what I've got here. She's at least in 2010 using WordPress and I'm in 2005 here at Blogger.

Of course, I know the lyrics to the Philosophers' Drinking Song. So I don't know who the real expert is here.

Gawker's Best Article

I know Gawker filing for bankruptcy has brought out a good deal of Schadenfreude among the commentariat, however I think it's important to remember that Gawker has occasionally run a good article or two.

Sharkopedia: A Book Review

            Some of you might be looking at the title of the blog post and think I’m reviewing a book of ironically titled poems which is trying to cash in/mock the current obsession (a sharknado of interest as it were) with sharks in our country. Rest assured, this is one book you can judge by its title. However, if you want to read shark-themed poetry, you can do so here. Anyway, back to the basics. Sharkopedia is 192 pages long with over 400 photos of dozens of different species of sharks. In case you were wondering, it is published in connection with Shark Week by Time Home Entertainment. Thankfully the book only makes a small mention of the program in the credits section. Its main link to the Discovery Channel’s offering is the inclusion of tidbits from shark expert Andy Dehart, who has appeared on the show.

            Now, this Sharkopedia is meant for readers ages 8 and up, so in this review, I had to consider the full range of people the book is intended for. I would not recommend it for anyone younger, unless they understand that most sharks cannot live in freshwater and that none can live in a chlorinated swimming pool. Otherwise, the pictures would give them unfounded nightmares of being attacked.  I remember when I was young and I thought it was possible for a great white to wiggle its way up a drain and start chomping away at me in the wave pool at Cameron Run. For some reason, I assumed it would only attack me right as I was leaving the water. Hey, that’s sounds a good idea for a TV movie. Get on it Hollywood. Sharks in sinks! Sharks in tubs! Sharks in baptismal fonts!

            Of course, a kid 8 years or older might have similar fears after reading this book. However, they will be easier to reason with. For instance, they will learn that bull sharks are the only shark to worry about when they are in freshwater. More importantly, they will learn that shark attacks are few and far between and they are rarely fatal. Only about 5,000 shark attacks have been reported in the whole world since the 1500s, resulting in roughly 500 deaths. In turn, half of these shark bites were provoked by humans. More people have probably been killed in hippopotamus attacks. While Sharkopedia does do a good job of stressing these facts, it tends to focus too much on anecdotes of shark-on-man violence, which makes it hard for the mind to accept sharks as nothing more than an ever-present threat lurking in the ocean, hungry for human flesh and thirsty for our blood.

            The bulk of book is colorful and informative. All the major sharks are heavily featured: the infamous great whites, megamouths, hammerheads, nurses, makos, and tiger sharks. In addition, there are dozens of other species pictured and hundreds more listed by name. Sharkopedia does a good job showing the great variety and diversity of all eight orders of sharks. There are small sharks, giant sharks, colorful sharks, sharks that look like carpets, sharks smacking into seals, and sharks basking for zooplankton. However, there is precious little information on sharks loaning money at prohibitively high rates of interest and breaking legs in lieu of seizing collateral.  

            I admit, when I started to read the book, I was put off by looking at these creatures up close. I am not sure what it was exactly. Sharks do seem to be a strange mixture of other animals, a chimera of the seas. In a stereotypical species one sees the body of fish, the fins of dolphins, and the wide toothy mouths of lions or tigers. The dark eyes are reminiscent of what one finds on a massive cephalopod or one Allie Brosh’s characters from Hyperbole and a Half. Gradually, I warmed up to these creatures, aided by the discovery that some of them are capable of thermoregulation. It was also difficult to feel threatened by the pictures of blue, sharpnose, or goblin sharks. If schools of sharks were capable of dances, they would be the perpetual wallflowers unable to land a date or a partner for a song.

            Sharkopedia passed an important test expected of any book meant for a younger audience. It kept me up past my bedtime, albeit one which I have set in accordance with the dictates of health and reason and not school or parental controls. Whenever I finished one page, I immediately wanted to go to the next one, eager to look at more pictures and learn more about this collection of animals so misunderstood by the general public. No matter what section of the book I turned to, there was plenty to learn. While any of these facts might be found online, nothing beats the way a book like this can appeal to the curious reader in all of us. It also provides an enlightening and entertaining reading experience for a parent looking to take a dry and safe dive together into the world of sharks with a child. 

The Fireworks Go Out

Read the poem at Randomly Accessed Poetics that commenter bzniditch writes the following about:

"A Commodity culture’s language forcibly commensurate with Ben Nardolilli’s poem in layered pattern of a brandished verse finely cast with a poet’s castaway feel for intonation and wrought in an international need for language."

Not to Be Confused with a Pushkin Art Nomination

Because really, Vasily Tropinin would win the prize anyway

Proving I'm still good for something, I've been nominated for a Pushcart Prize in poetry by the swell folks at the Conium Review. Here is the issue my work was in and for proof, read this announcement. Tumblr never lies.

New York, I'm Coming to See You

This Friday, I will be arriving in Manhattan, either by blimp or the bus. I'm trying to figure out which one is safer. Unfortunately, the autogryo (which is not an edible Greek car) is all booked until next Wednesday. I will be in New York City until Monday. Hopefully I will get to see some of you all to celebrate the opening of my 26th year on earth, which will happen on the 24th. A quarter century done...

As always, there are literary updates. An important announcement of mine is up at w5ran. There are also some poems of mine up at Drunken Absurdity. The hits just keep coming! And don't forget about my chapbook, which is still for sale at Folded Word.

Also, be careful what you parody, it might just be appropriated. Here are two videos, the first making fun of Levi's "Go Forth" ads by using Charles Bukowski's Dinosauria, We.



As one YouTube commenter wrote, it takes away the aftertaste of the original. However, the people at Levi's must have wised up. Look what they wrought:

Mustaches, Whiskey, Funeral Homes, and Karl Marx

Two new links to post for all of you guys to check out. The first is a short story of mine called "Chaplinesque,"   the name of which some of you might recognize. It is currently up at the Squawk Back. This is my first serialized piece of fiction. Part two will be shown later.

If you're in the mood for a whole piece and nothing cut in half like Solomon's baby (which could also be the name of a literary journal), you can view a poem of mine up at Samizdat.

Pandora Failures

Readers of this blog might wonder if I do anything other than write poetry all day and send it off to places. Well, if you've been reading my other blog, you know that I've been braving the Internet to find myself work, up against limited opportunities and treacherous scammers. But let it be known, that I do have interests other than poetry and writing. One of these is music, not writing or performing it, just listening to it. A couple of months ago I wrote about my attempt to listen to the 1,001 albums considered by some to be the definitive listening experience before one dies.

Now that I've finished that project, I listen mostly to Pandora. For those of you who don't know, Pandora is an internet radio station that uses the music genome project to match a listener up with songs they would like based on what they have previously enjoyed. Most of the time it works well. Rather than finding music at random or playing what is popular, Pandora guides me through songs that are selected just for me. Through it I've discovered John Fahey, Starfucker,  Charlie Poole, and Royksopp, among others. However, the system isn't perfect. I spend a lot of my Pandora time listening to funk and I think I may have exhausted the system's capabilities. Either that, or some weird reverse Affirmative Action is taking place. Interspersed between songs by Parliament and Funkadelic is music by Hall & Oates or Steely Dan.

The main issue with the system though, are the ads. Now, I understand there is no such thing as a free lunch and Pandora has to support itself somehow. However, if a company is trying to support itself with ads, I think it should be concerned with which stations are playing what. While the music is personalized, there does not seem to be any concern with finding out the right demographic that would actually use the particular good or service being offered. If Pandora is going to grow and bring in more revenue, it is going to have to target better. That won't solve the quality of the ads, but what can you do? Radio advertising is always terrible. Without access to images or much of the listener's time, advertisers on the radio have to hook a person's attention quickly, often by means of a jingle that worms itself into the brain. The effect is like being backstage and listening in to the shittiest vaudeville acts you can find.

Nevertheless, from pandora's point of view, the targeting is more important.  While there are people who have a variety of musical tastes and have patterns of consumption that are hard to track (i.e. me), most people's spending habits and musical tastes can be correlated one way or another. Instead, Pandora sends out ads indiscriminately in hopes of hitting someone who might buy something. It is the same strategy used by cicadas when they emerge after years in the ground as a huge brood of slow flying meals for other animals. Sometimes that ads aren't simply misplaced, they seem to run counter to what the fan base of a given artist is probably like.

Now maybe I am just unfairly going into stereotypes. But I would like to think that the fans of eccentric American guitarist John Fahey are not on the lookout for a body spray that will make them smell just like Carmelo Anthony. Nor do I think the marines will find new recruits by playing ads in between songs by Joanna Newsom. I could be wrong though. But there are some ads that are plainly misplaced. At one point, I kept getting commercials for a service that would offer me deals on all the best places to dine, shop, and visit in Boston. I can't imagine why a company would pay for such advertising that would be broadcast to the rest of the country. Maybe it was planted by the FBI and it was a way to entice Whitey Bulger out of hiding by getting him to come back to Boston for a good deal.

Then there are the iced tea ads for Turkey Hill Iced Tea that come on my funk station. Of course, there is nothing unfunky about iced tea, but the voice of the man they use is irritating and creepy. When he says the word "cold" he drags it such a way that instead of feeling refreshing, it reminds one of Siberia and gulags.