A Jovial Humbug

Poem published in After Brunch Journal. 

Part of it may or may not have been inspired by the internal ritual ablutions that take place before a colonoscopy. 

Nardo Goes West, Part Two

I spent most of my time on the Capitol Limited sleeping. I went to sleep outside of Pittsburgh and woke up around Elkhart, Indiana. Along the way I woke up briefly in Toledo, then went back to bed. It wasn't the most comfortable sleep, and I think I would've slept better if I took the upper bunk instead of stretching out on the lower bed they made from the seats. The advantage of this one is that I could get up and use the bathroom without breaking my neck. There was also less of a risk of rolling out and also breaking my neck. 

Unbeknownst to me, there were three settings for the light in my roomette. There was complete darkness, complete light, and a third that I left on by mistake. It was the "night light" setting. This left a blue light on. I guess it's supposed to help you find your things before going out to use the bathroom, or meeting someone for a clandestine roomette rendez-vous. I didn't have to do either of those things. I just needed to sleep and rest my body after doing so much walking in Pittsburgh. The blue light made it difficult. I tossed and turned, and not just because of the gyrations of the train.

I got enough sleep to function in the morning. I explored the train as much as I could, and watched as my phone switched from Eastern to Central Time. Walking though the empty corridors of the sleeper car made me feel like I was in a murder mystery. Was I the perpetrator or the detective, or both? All I knew was that I was thirsty, so I went to get myself a drink. They have water on the trains, with little cut to put it in. However, it's difficult to get a hold or them and pull them out of the hole they hang down from. You end up crumpling them and they look like Garth's cup from Wayne's World.

Hey Mr. Spigot, if you're gonna spew, spew into this

One difference between the trains out West and those back East, is that they honk so much more. It doesn't matter if you're in the city, a town, or out in the countryside. The train sounds the alarm more often than I ever heard it on the line between New York and DC. I think it's because the railroad out here is more integrated into the community it goes through. The railroad wasn't built off to the side from places that were already developed, cities and towns grew up around the rails. This means there's more streets crossing the tracks, with cars that have to be alerted. It also means the train runs right by places with kids, such as parks, playgrounds, and backyards. There are times you feel so close to the houses out here, you expect the families inside to invite you in for dinner.

That morning I also made use of the showers. It's not as hard as you might think. You just have to keep pressing this little metal cylinder on the wall to get water. But they give you towels and the supply of hot water is plentiful. If the train banks ones way or another too hard, there's a sturdy metal bar to hold onto. Remember to use your used towels, and the used towels of other people to clean the excess water on the floor in front of the shower. This way people won't slip on what's dripped off your body.

I guess the shower symbol is supposed to be someone either washing their armpits
or singing. I kinda see a guy giving a Nazi salute, which is not
exactly the best look for the door to a shower on a train. Or any shower for that matter.

This is the real Amber Alert. It lets you know
When you've locked the door
to the bathroom or the shower (showers and bathrooms are separate)

Breakfast was simple. The Capitol Limited doesn't have the most advanced facilities compared to the Empire Builder, but it makes up for it with this box. Inside, there was a blueberry muffin, a Kashi bar, a cup of yogurt with fruit on the bottom and granola on the top, and, AND a fruit plate that had pineapple on it. There was also a moisty napkin, to wipe your hands of all the Fructose off your hands. The coffee was basic, but it was complimentary. 

Okay, I didn't take a picture of what's inside, but take my word for it

There's no wifi on the train, unlike the ones that run on the East Coast, including the Pennsylvanian. The Empire Builder doesn't have internet either. At least I could still use the signal on my phone. There were times I couldn't get a signal for that on the Empire Builder. Pretty much from Fargo to Spokane, I couldn't send texts, receive calls, or access my emails. I managed to keep myself busy other ways, namely by writing, editing, and reading Kafka on the Shore.  I also looked at the countryside passing by. It was flat and filled with small towns that drew their sustenance from the nearby fields of corn. The countryside was green and it was a welcome sight for my eyes after so many months of staring at concrete, brick, and steel in Brooklyn and Manhattan.

Alas, the respite did not last for long. We pulled into Chicago, city of windy shoulders.

The Willis Tower looking like one of the knights from Bedknobs and Broomsticks

I didn't have any time to explore Chicago while waiting to switch trains. However, Amtrak is generous with us Empire Builders. They set up a lounge for us in the train station. Other long-distance passages can wait there as well. It's called the Metropolitan Lounge. They offered us complimentary champagne, cheese, and crudites. Most importantly, they have a free place to store luggage, in case you do have enough time to wander off.

The Metropolitan Lounge has two, two levels!

They have a CANDY BUFFET (caveat, it's mostly old people candy)

When the Empire Builder pulled in, they separated the people in the sleeper cars from those in coach. Yes, you can buy a seat in coach and sit there during the whole ride. They seem to have more leg room than the average train car. I saw people sleeping in the seats, so it's possible. You don't have any privacy though. Plus, you have to pay for all your meals on train. The sleepers get to board first, leaving the waiting area where feminine voices play over speakers announcing the track numbers ad nauseam. I had to listen to #13 repeat her number in the face of #15, who spoke hers back.

After boarding I met our attendants, Carl and Carlo (no joke, and I presume, no relation). Carl was responsible for setting up the beds at night and Carlo helped collect our dinner reservations. Breakfast and lunch are first come, first serve, but dinner requires a specific time. Carlo was adamant about the value of the dinner. He kept telling everyone it was a "real meal, with real people." But if we wanted a box with some chicken and a cookie in it, we could place an order for one to eat in the roomettes by ourselves.

Hello, it's me.

The Empire Builder doesn't have any sundries. I should've taken my bag from the Capitol Limited. Keep that in mind if you try and follow my route. That said, the Empire Builder also has towels and sheets, plus free bars of something called "deodorant soap."

This is where my traveling companion would sit, IF I HAD ONE

Porkchop Sandwiches: They're Real!

My God did that smell good

Culinary and Linguistic Experiments

I'll start with the later. The ever generous Record Magazine has published a bunch of my poems, a mixture of older and newer work. Take in their motley goodness.

Now, onto the more important stuff: experiments in unhealthy living!

Well, since my time in Montclair, New Jersey is coming to an end and it's back to Arlington for me, I've decided to try and give back to the community by creating some sort of treat that could be named after the city. There will probably be a book written about my time here as well, but for now, I'm going to focus on something a little more tangible.

And that something is a candy sandwich. Work with what you know, right? I have friends who have created blogs about food and their cooking expertise, or who post pictures of their meals onto FaceBook. It makes me jealous that they know how to cook so well, and that they can afford something other than diret-from-the-can goods. So, I am going to show them up here with my own creations. The advantage is that anything I can do, you can do too (and probably better).

Anyway, I recently came into the possession of some Girl Scout cookies, of the Thin Mint and Dulce de Leche variety. I also have some candy I bought on sale after Valentine's Day. Like any good inventor, I decided to work with what I had in surplus. I thought of various combinations that might work until I hit up two that had the greatest chance of success of becoming known to future generations as a "Montclair." Both would have a peanut butter cup in the middle that would be flipped upside down so that it resembles the "Mont," in the city's name. The difference would come from the "bread," which could either be two Thin Mints or two Dulce de Leche cookies.

I had the Thin Mint version first:


I give it a B-. The Thin mints were hard to hold onto because they melted in my hand. It was difficult to get much taste from the mint. The chocolate cookie portion mixed well with the peanut butter and kept it from completely overpowering the sandwich. It was difficult to get a bite that contained both ingredients because the Thin Mints crumbled easily when they came into contact with my teeth. In addition, the sandwich left a metallic aftertaste in my mouth a few minutes after I had eaten it. Maybe it was from my heart imploding.

Then I made myself the Dulce de Leche variety:

It kind of looks like a hamburger from a distance, but don't be fooled! This is strictly a dessert, or lunch if you're me. Anyway, this gets an A and wins the competition. It shall ever be referred to as a "Montclair." The Dulce de Leche cookies did not crumble and held together. They added a texture and cinnamon flavor to the peanut butter and chocolate that was reminiscent of a Graham cracker (which was invented in nearby Bound Brook, New Jersey). But it avoided the dryness of that Graham crackers often have. So there you have it America, go raid your pantries and make yourselves a Montclair today!

My Contemporary Voice

Five poems of mine up at Contemporary American Voices. One is a friendly Jeremiad, another is part of my series The Personal Ads, one comes from my endless mornings spent at the Lyric Diner (give a shout out if you know what I'm talking about), one is based on an experience with my main man David Henry Sterry, and another comes from wandering the development out at National Harbor.

Nighttime Rumblings in Technicolor Magazine

Read about them here.

Wine Girl

In the winter issue (#3) of the journal SparkBright I have a poem entitled "Wine Girl." It is based on the good old days of visiting the Trader Joe's Wine Store at Union Square in New York. If you download the issue and go to page 17, you will see it at the bottom, I guess they saved the best for last!